I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
