please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Randomize
