Michael Bay diarrhea
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
