I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
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