Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
So is there a reason your dad is passed out naked in my shower? P.S. Congrats on the family dong.
I didn't get it..
I'm sorry. But to the original question please.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Randomize
