I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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