I have demons in me.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Shame - the story of my life.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
