Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
