that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
