I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
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