Your face is a jimmy john
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
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