Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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