PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
