Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
ok first of all what the fuck
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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