the more pounds shes got the more points. bonus points awarded for specialty moves used. aka broken cowboy, tobogan, dutch oven, or brazilian fake out.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize
