Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
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