i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Randomize
