I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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