Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Randomize
