My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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