I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Randomize
