I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
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