I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
