just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Hippo gnu deer
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Randomize
