MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
