Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Randomize
