Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
