it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
