how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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