Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize