Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
