i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
There was a point where some of my friends attempted 'moi's', which stands for makeout on introduction.
It involved going up to women and very aggressively trying to make out with them upon meeting them
Surprisingly the success rate was exceedingly high
I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Randomize
