I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
