So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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