I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
