Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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