Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Randomize
