Kareoke will never be a sober sport
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
