I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
