i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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