someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
