I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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