i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
