everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
