i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize
