At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Randomize
