I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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