ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Randomize
