I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
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