Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
