so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize
