Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
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